Larry received a bill from the hospital. Looking over the bill he noticed a $1200 fee for the anesthesiaologist. Angry, he called the office for an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" He asked the doctor.

"No, not at all," the doctor said.

"Well," said Larry, "that's an awful lot for knocking someone out."

"No," rreplied the doctor. "I knocked you out for free. The $1200 is for bringing you back around."

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

How many Psychologists does it take to replace a light bulb? Just one, but it takes twenty visits.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon? God doesn't think he's an orthopedic surgeon.

Why don't you ever see the headline, ""Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."